This post is part of the Tamil Heritage Month Initiative. Tamil Heritage Month began to celebrate Tamil heritage, culture, and history. Throughout this month and January, we will be providing you with reflective pieces, educational material and poetry such that seeks to help us celebrate and understand our culture, roots and heritage.
Written By: Athithan Kurukulasingam
Growing up, I was brought up in a very nurtured environment. Structure and balance was a key component of my childhood. My dad instilled upon me his views and beliefs which predominately were very hard-line. He would let me know quite clearly what his views were and he expected me to comply to his wishes or face the consequences. My mother on the other hand, was the soft maternal figure who preached to me her ways in a more subtle manner. For her, it was more effective to catch me at an emotionally low point and comfort me with reassuring thoughts. She would enlighten me with the ins and outs of life and how one should strive to live as virtuous a life as possible. It is still a struggle for me today to distinguish who was more effective in their methods. I’d like to think that my mom, was but oh boy, did Dads beatings hurt. Comedic relief aside, I knew one thing from my childhood. I was raised thinking that family was the end all be all. You live for your family and you die for your family. I’m sure many of us still feel the same way; however, an interesting thing happens as you get older. The struggle for some sense of independence takes over.
It isn’t farfetched to say that the Tamil culture is a predominantly family oriented one. As I get older I still strive to live my life in a way where I can satisfy my parents wishes; however, the waters become more and more muddy each day. As a young man, I seek some form of independence that separates myself from my family for even a little while. The smallest of things can have a significant impact on a family’s relationship. To highlight this issue, I have a small story which can shine light onto this matter. As a kid, you’re dragged everywhere with your parents. Every birthday, wedding, family get together and so on and so forth. As you get older, you may need to miss some of those events that you previously went to as a family. It may be because you had something else to do or quite frankly you just don’t want to go to those events because you aren’t five anymore. This becomes a source of tension within your household because our parents want to still be that family that goes everywhere together and does everything together. They sometimes find it hard to believe that we actually have grown up. It isn’t even about growing up becoming independent and moving out. The Tamil culture is soft. I don’t mean soft in a negative manner. Small incidents have more emotional impact in our culture in my opinion. Another example of this took place in my household. When my siblings and I were younger, we would all have lunch and dinner as a family at the family table; however, as we got older we all started having these meals at different times and in different places. This was quite a distressing trend for my parents, as we got more and more independent, the more hurt they seemed to get.
So now the dilemma, how to satisfy the wishes of your parents while maintaining the independence you seek. It should be noted that every family is different and some deal with change better than others. What I found to be quite helpful is to find a balance. No matter how busy you get or how old you are, deep down you are still kids in the eyes and hearts of your parents. They will always love you and nurture you in an unconditional manner. Most of us will do anything to please our loved ones and I am no exception. As much as our parents should be understanding of our desires to grow up and act independently, we the kids, should at the same time, take a step back and be the kids we once were. Life is a vortex of time and space, it is forever spinning and you can never go back. When you were younger you started near the top and each round around the circle was quite large; however, as you get older and inevitably as does your loved ones, those rounding trips get smaller and smaller and eventually you’re sucked in. Issues we find to be a hassle in the present may no longer be so big later on in life when we too have our own kids and go through this repeated process.
I’ve mentioned time and time again that every family is different and so each one of us have our own way of pleasing our parents. For myself, simple things such as eating dinner as a family, staying home and chatting with my parents instead of going out, going to outings as a family can all make a difference. Our parents always have a reason for their methods. To us eating dinner as a family might not seem like a big deal but in reality it teaches us the importance of togetherness and family bonding. Going to all these family events is not just to annoy us, it teaches us about our family and our roots. We owe a great deal to our parents, they’ve sacrificed a lot for us and we should sometimes put our independence on the backburner and live for them. We have a whole lifetime to be independent but a significantly smaller portion to be a child to a parent.
Tags: Tamil History/Culture
